After Ever After Read online

  I smile at her, half an idea forming in my mind.

  ‘Ah well, I was down the town yesterday and did you know there’s a café in the post office? They’re Christians.’

  Clare rolls her eyes at me. Of course she knows, she’s lived here all her life and unlike me she goes out sometimes.

  ‘Well, they have these chocolate brownies, home-made on the premises. So I bought them. All of them. Fifteen in total.’ I take the tin out, lift the lid and tip it towards her, feeling pleased with myself. ‘And look, there are still twelve left.’ Clare stares at me.

  ‘You’re a genius,’ she says with admiration and takes one out. ‘Of course you don’t really need to take more than ten.’ I nod and take another one out.

  ‘Ella fell off the bed today,’ I say. ‘I’m such a terrible mother. You know what I think it is? I think it’s because my mum died when I was so young that I don’t know what to do. Never had anyone to show me, you know?’

  Clare shakes her head. ‘Trust me, no one knows what to do at first. It’s a total learning curve. In fact I don’t think you ever stop learning, as far as I can tell.’ She sips her tea. ‘I’m sorry you lost your mum when you were a kid. What was it, cancer?’

  I start at her frank enquiry. Most people are too polite to ask. Somehow her overt curiosity is refreshing.

  ‘No, um, she was murdered actually.’ I taste the bitterness of the word I hardly ever use on my tongue.

  Clare’s jaw drops.

  ‘Bloody hell. I’ve never met anyone who knew anyone who was murdered before.’ She takes my hand. ‘You poor cow. It must have been hard on you as a kid?’

  I gaze into my coffee for what seems like a long moment, wondering how much to tell her and deciding that I like her too much to tell her everything just yet.

  ‘Oh well, you know, I was quite young so I didn’t really know what was going on at the time.’ Looking out of the window I see that Gareth’s staking out is gradually coming into shape, and I feel a moment of regret that I’m not out there with him, the sun burning my shoulders and all thoughts of my life so far locked up tightly in this house. ‘I missed having a mum, though. I still do.’

  Clare squeezes my hand. ‘Is he still behind bars, the bloke that did it?’ she asks me.

  I shift uncomfortably in my seat, I haven’t discussed it at this length with anyone since meeting Fergus.

  ‘No, well, not that I know of, anyway. They never arrested anyone.’ A moment of silence hangs thickly in the air.

  Clare studies her cup for a while and then, looking out of the window, diffuses any tension with a single stroke.

  ‘Phwor, just look at his arse.’ She admires Gareth as he bends over a stake. ‘Nice and bony, just how I like arses to be!’

  I sit back and laugh. ‘Clare! The window’s open, you know! He can probably hear you.’

  Clare sighs and takes another brownie. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just that I haven’t had sex in a while and I get all overcome with urges.’

  I follow her lead and take another brownie too, deciding eight is more than enough for Ellie and her calorie-counting cronies.

  ‘Lucky you, I’ve got the opposite problem – sporadic, in fact near-fatal, lack of urges. When was the last time you had sex then?’ I lean on my hand, enjoying my first girly chat for ages.

  Clare looks at the ceiling and begins to count on her fingers.

  ‘Oh God, no use denying it. The last time I had sex was the night Ted was conceived and that was shite.’ I look at her, not exactly sure what to say. ‘And, well, it’s not as if you get out much when you’re a single mum, and anyway, even if I did I’m not exactly Kate Moss.’

  ‘No, thank God, you’re lovely,’ I say. ‘What happened with Ted’s dad then? Did you break up or what?’ Clare looks at Ted. He and Ella sit side by side regarding each other seriously. Ted bashes a wooden spoon on the floor until Ella takes it out of his hand and bashes it herself. After a few minutes Ted takes back the spoon and the cycle begins again.

  ‘The funny thing is Ted looks just like him.’ Clare lets out a long sigh. ‘Okay, I’ll tell you, but it’s not a pretty story, so be prepared.’ She settles down, gazing out into the garden. ‘I’m out with some mates, it’s a Friday night. We all go to this club in Hemel. It’s a total dive but everyone goes there so it’s usually quite a laugh and you know everyone and everyone knows you. We’re all dancing away when Jamie, that’s his dad, comes up to me and starts dancing next to me. I mean, he’d come with his girlfriend, I could see her at the bar, so I didn’t think anything about it, just him mucking about. Anyway, a few tracks in and he’s right up against me giving it all that dirty dancing lark. I look about for Nikki but she’s nowhere to be seen. I look around for my mates but I think they must have all copped off by then, ’cos it was just me. Me and Jamie and a few of his mates all dancing round us, like.

  ‘Anyway, he leans against me and whispers in my ear that he wants to talk to me. ‘Go on then,’ I says, but he goes, no, he wants to talk somewhere a bit quieter and he takes me by the hand and leads me out into the foyer. I’m thinking, what’s all this about. I mean, Nikki, she wasn’t exactly classy, but she was thin, blonde, white halter-neck, you get the picture.’ I nod, picturing Nikki in my mind’s eye. ‘And there I am, a big sweaty girl with running mascara.

  ‘“Go on, then,”’ I’d said to him again, feeling a bit embarrassed. But he said he fancied some fresh air and led me outside.

  ‘“My coat’s in there!” I said, but he told me not to worry, that he knew the bouncer and we’d get back in no trouble once we’d had our “talk”. The brightness that Clare had begun her story with has faded slightly and her shoulders droop. ‘So we’re standing outside the club and I’m really quite pissed and he was fit, you know, tall and blond with the same eyes as Ted. Bright blue with those thick lashes.

  ‘“Well?” I asked him.

  ‘“Clare, I just wanted to say that I like you. I really really like you,” I’d stared at him. I mean he’s a fit bloke, with a pretty girlfriend just inside the club.

  ‘“Cheers,” I said. “I like you too.”

  ‘And then he sort of leant me against the wall and he went, “No, I mean I really like you.” I couldn’t believe what was happening.’ Clare screws up her mouth. ‘Stupid cow. Anyway …

  ‘“But, what about Nikki?” I asked him, all wide-eyed. He looked me right in the eye and shrugged and said, “Nikki’s all right. But she’s the kind of bird you go out with ’cos your mates think she’s fit.” And I swear he actually said these words. He went, “You’re the kind of bird a bloke could really fall in love with.”’

  ‘No!’ I can’t believe what she is telling me.

  Clare shrugs. ‘Yeah, and if I hadn’t been so pissed, if I hadn’t had a crush on him for ages and if I’d had a sniff of interest from anyone else, I’d have told him to piss off there and then. But I had and I hadn’t so I didn’t.’

  ‘Oh mate,’ I say, my voice warm with sympathy. No one knows better than me exactly what kinds of trouble that combination of circumstances can get you into.

  ‘I know. So, there I am all pie-eyed, and he takes me down this alley down the side of the club and the next thing I know he’s all over me, going “Oh baby, oh yeah baby. I really want you baby, bleugh.”’ Clare takes a sip of her tea reflectively. ‘It stunk of stale piss and vomit so it wasn’t exactly romantic, but I was thrilled. I couldn’t believe it. At last, I thought. It’s happening to me! I should have known better.

  ‘Anyway, it was over really quickly. He stopped moaning “Oh baby” and burped in my face and I wasn’t even halfway there! But I thought, never mind, this is only the first time. It’ll get better, the only way is up, if you know what I mean … He got off me and said, “Cheers, Clare, that was really special.” So we’re getting ourselves tidy and I realise my knickers are round one ankle so I’m just about to pull them up when he says, “No, let me have these. A memento.” He gives me this gorgeous grin and loo
ks all coy and sweet and sexy, so like a total dumb-assed bitch I say “okay”.

  ‘“I’ll go back in first,” he says. “Don’t want to give anyone anything to talk about.” And already he was backing off from me.

  ‘“Not until you’ve told Nikki, you mean?” I say, and he says yeah, and tells me to wait ten minutes then go back in. And I wait. I’m standing there in the piss-filled alley and the booze and the heat of the nightclub’s worn off and I’m cold and tired and I’m not really sure what I’ve done, but I keep thinking, well, Jamie likes me, he really likes me, he might even fall in love with me. Stupid fucking cow.

  ‘So after ten minutes I try to go back in, but the bouncer stops me.

  ‘“You ain’t going in there unless you can pay,” he says.

  ‘“But I’ve already paid. I mean, I just came out with Jamie. He said you’d let me back in.” I tried to tell him, explain that I was Jamie’s friend and that my coat and purse were already inside, but he wasn’t having any of it. Said he’d never heard of this Jamie bloke. But it was the way he said it, big smirk all over his face. He said I could wait until the club had finished and everyone was out and then I could go in and get my coat. I couldn’t believe it. I’m stood there like a melon for the best part of an hour and then eventually people start filing out. Nikki comes out with all her mates, giggling and shit, and she sees me and gives me a right superior look and I think, “yeah, well, I’ve been fucking your boyfriend, love, pride before a fall and all that”, and then Jamie and his mates come out, all laughing and pushing each other around. I’m just about to speak to him when I hear him go, “I’m telling you, you all owe me twenty quid each.” He rubs his hands together. “I’m minted!” And his mates are going, “Oh yeah”, and “Right mate”. And he goes, “I’ve got proof,” and he pulls my knickers out of his pocket and twirls them round his fingers! “You can tell they’re hers by the size of them! Pitch camp in these, you could!” He looks right at me and laughs. “I won the bet,” he said. And they’re all laughing and joking and chanting, “Jamie pulled a pig, Jamie pulled a pig,” and that was that. If I’d have been sober I’d have used a condom …’ Clare’s voice trails away to nothing.

  ‘Oh mate,’ I say to her, holding her hand. ‘I can’t believe it. What a … I can’t believe that anybody would treat another person that way.’

  Clare straightens her shoulders and lifts her chin.

  ‘No, well, neither could I, but I thought, these things happen, just get on with it, you know. Then nine months later this little bloke popped out and my whole life changed. I was a mug then, thinking that I was going to find true love with someone else’s boyfriend in the back alley of a dodgy club. Now I’m older and wiser and it’s even less likely I’ll find someone, with someone else’s kid hanging off my skirts and stuck in a council flat.’

  Ted, clearly fed up with playing pass the spoon, scrambles up his mum’s legs until she lifts him on her lap and kisses his blond curls.

  ‘I mean, I love him more than anything else in my life. But I don’t want him to be the only thing in my life. Is that terrible?’

  I look in the brownie tin, now there are only six left.

  ‘Christ no! No! That’s normal. That’s right, and not everyone is like Jamie. I mean, look at Fergus, he’s lovely, he’s the loveliest bloke ever and there are others out there definitely,’ I say with faint optimism, wondering, worrying, is ‘lovely’ enough.

  ‘I hope you know how lucky you are,’ Clare says with a small smile.

  I hope I do too.

  I look out into the garden and Gareth waves at me, and then, dropping his hand to his side, beckons me with a jerk of his head. ‘Slacker!’ he calls out with a chuckle, before turning back to his work. Clare gazes at him with open admiration, and the thought that’s been occupying the back of my mind finds its way to my mouth.

  ‘Well, what about him? He’s nice and he definitely had a twinkle in his eye when he met you.’ Which is not strictly true, but he definitely did check her out, the same way he’d looked at me on the landing in my Vegas T-shirt. And if he’s looking at me that way then he’s the kind of man who likes a bit of flesh on a woman and not just a skinny bit of totty hanging off his arm, I’m sure of it. Okay so he’s a bit of ladies’ man, a bit of a Jack the Lad, but that’s just because he picks up these girls in bars and never bothers to get to know them. Probably thinks any girl who lets herself get picked up that way can’t be ‘relationship material’. Because most men think that way, even the nice ones, and you’re a fool if you don’t believe it. Maybe, maybe if he got to know Clare gradually through me, he’d treat her differently, see her for the sweet, pretty, funny girl she is. After all, any man who gets so soppy over petunias can’t be totally shallow. And as for Clare, she needs some kind of lift far more than I do, moaning about my poor sad life in my huge house with my rich husband who adores me. What’s more, if Gareth did get with Clare, that would put temptation firmly out of my way, and even if he doesn’t it doesn’t matter, because you don’t fancy the bloke your mate actively fancies. It’s just one of those unwritten laws.

  Clare flushes a healthy pink.

  ‘Me? Really? No he didn’t. Did he? Really?’ I watch her face fill with pleasure and decide that if he didn’t, then he soon could do with a little bit of help from me.

  ‘Oh yeah. I reckon all we have to do is arrange a few more meetings for you and you two could really hit it off.’ Clare tries not to look at Gareth, his bare skin glistening with sweat in the sun, and fails.

  ‘Blimey,’ she whispers into Ted’s hair and giggles.

  Just as I am about to let her out of the door half an hour later, I stop her and hug her hard.

  ‘Thanks!’ she says looking mildly surprised.

  ‘Look, Mr Crawley’s taking me to these auditions tomorrow night – why don’t you come with me? I’m dreading going on my own. It might be fun!’

  Clare looks tempted but gestures to Ted. ‘What about him?’

  ‘Well, Fergus has got Ella, so I’m sure he can manage Ted too. It’s only for a couple of hours, and you might bump into Gareth when you drop him off!’

  ‘Well, I don’t know …’ Clare’s face breaks into a grin. ‘All right then, you’re on.’

  As I watch her retreat down the street, I smile to myself. Given Fergus’s total lack of energy when he gets home and the fact that I suspect that he doesn’t really know he has agreed to have Ella on his own (Me: ‘Those auditions I told you about are this week.’ Him: ‘Mmmm?’ Me: ‘So you wouldn’t mind having Ella that night?’ Him: ‘Ha, yeah, I know!’ Me: ‘That’s agreed then’), maybe foisting another doubly boisterous child on him isn’t quite fair, but I don’t care. It will give him chance to see how he likes it, and anyhow, if he doesn’t want me to work, and if my two best friends are thirty miles and a universe away, I’ll have to do something else.

  Chapter Ten

  ‘You’re sure you don’t mind?’ I kiss Fergus’s chest and snuggle into the curve of his arm, hopeful that for once I have his undivided attention, which is usually stimulated by my nudity. Early morning light has crept into the room and this morning seems like the first morning in years that we’ve woken up together. Fergus grabs my arse optimistically.

  ‘Mind what?’ he says, sliding the palm of his hand up into the small of my back.

  ‘Mind having Ted and Ella tonight while I’m out!’ I say with exasperation. I wouldn’t mind, but it’s only been five minutes since I asked him. He rolls on to his elbow and kisses me deeply. We have reached a stage in our relationship where he only kisses me like this as a precursor to sex. I wriggle away from him.

  ‘Well, do you?’

  His arm reaches around my waist and pulls me back flush against his body.

  ‘No, of course it’s all right.’ He kisses my ear. ‘I mean, how hard can it be to sit with a couple of babies for a few hours? I only wish I got to sit at home all day playing with Ella. It’ll be a piece of cake!’ He nuzzles my
neck and runs the tips of his hand over my nipple. I close my fingers around his wrist and push his hand firmly away. At last the excuse I’ve been looking for to halt his advances has arisen, and just in time judging by the other early riser I can feel pressing into my belly.

  ‘Hang on a minute – what do you mean how hard can it be? Are you saying that I don’t work hard?’ I say, sitting up and pulling the duvet protectively over my chin.

  The playfully lazy smile Fergus has been wearing evaporates abruptly. He sits up in bed, pushing his tangle of black hair out of his eyes. For a moment I look at him as if for the first time, and my heartbeat races and I want him, want him as much as I ever have, but then I blink and it’s only Fergus again and I’m glad my ploy to crowbar him out of his mood has worked, glad that the distance between us, which I hate, has been firmly bridged.

  ‘I didn’t say that! I said that I don’t mind looking after another baby too. I didn’t say I thought motherhood was easy!’ He pushes back the bedclothes and walks to the wardrobe. ‘Is there a shirt ironed?’

  I pull the covers completely over my head. I forgot to re-iron his shirt after I borrowed it. Basically, if I’m not willing to fuck him then he can’t be arsed to talk to me. I lie in the half-light of the duvet still smarting from his previous comment. If he knew, if he had even the faintest idea what it’s been like here alone day after day, week after week, feeling as if my real life is still on hold, then …

  ‘I said, is there a shirt ironed?’

  I ball my hands into fists and resist the urge to scream.

  ‘No. But it’s dress-down Friday, isn’t it?’ I listen to a pause from the other side of the duvet, and Fergus’s body weight thuds on to the bed and he pulls the covers away, noticing my frown with mild amusement.

  ‘It’s just that we don’t seem to spend any time together, you and me any more. I see you for half an hour in the morning and then by the time I get home we’re both knackered.’ He looks uncomfortably past my face and at the headboard. ‘I need you, Kitty.’ I look at the ceiling, and notice the shadow of dust that highlights the plaster ceiling rose.